I have recently met a darker side of myself.  A side that doesnt care for other and holds anger and cynicism as a primary response to others suffering.  The ability to have this aspect of myself I see as a blessing.  It allows me to not be caught up in specifics and see things as they pertain to a larger spectrum.  The stuggle that exists is when this heartless persona is in conflict with my caring identity.  This caring aspect promotes me to care for others instead of promoting my own interest, and causes me to sacrafice my own needs in order to meet those of another.  Although I need both of these, I am now struggling in keeping that balance.  I am worried that that darker, selfish, portion of my identity will take over, and the lighter side will not be able to overcome it again.

Click!

            The sound of the gun in the hands of Jason’s hand signaled a change.  The gun had gone to an inanimate object in his hand and had turned into something that no other object had the power to do.  This gun was now his savior.  In less than thirty seconds he would be saved from his life.  The meaningless existence that he had fought everyday, the numbness he felt in the face of his accomplishments, and the apathy he felt in light of tragedy.  To say he was unhappy is not a fully accurate statement.  He wasn’t happy he just was.  Jason was a person, he had been born with the help of his mother and father, he was labeled Jason, and he was fed and bathed on a regular basis.  His life continued much the same as any other childs would have.  His parents lived in an average house and led their life by paying bills and worrying about the future.  Some people had the kind of parents that were perfect.  His friend’s parents made Dr. Huckstable look like a felon.  They didn’t know the struggles of a poor family living in debt.  His parents hadn’t planned on having children like they did, it just happened that way.  He had no terrible childhood to overcome, but he did grow up in a house with swearing and substance abuse.  He was not shocked by this either, he didn’t know things to be any different.  Jason lived his life.  He graduated high school with decent grades and got into a respectable school, which he could not afford.  So now he and his parents had something in common, they now lived to pay the bank money.  Jason didn’t worry about it though, he needed to go to school so that he could one day support a family, everyone needed to use student loans to get through school; that’s just what people do.  Animals only live to reproduce.  He is now in his junior year of school, he has friends, he is part of a fraternity.  This proves that he can act like he likes people well enough that they like him.  He has lived a life of little triumphs, and the things that he excels in mean nothing.  His past accomplishments, as the world sees them, were not hard to do.  Some people had the chips stacked much farther against them than Jason, yet they still graduated.  Some people had to watch their mothers be beaten for nothing, and they still made it to college.  Jason just woke up each day and wandered to class.  He was an accomplishment because he did what people told him to.  He went to school to get a job that would impress the parents of his future mate, he worked out so that he would acquire more respect of his fellow students, and his station was always clean at work in order to impress someone who was far less intelligent than he was.  Jason did not care about the sentimental feelings of his boss.  He was not looking for a life altering relationship or hoping that his manager could impact his life in some way or the other.  He wanted more money.  He wanted to know that he could count on a good recommendation from this man.  If this man was hit by a truck the very next day Jason would be excited at the idea of the company promoting form within.  Animals also seek to eliminate competition.  Jason spent his life waiting for his challenge.  He was convinced that it would come and he would conquer it.  Like William Wallace he would fight for something meaningful and if he was lucky he could die as poetic a death. 

It's the first day at my new job at the calvary division of an accounting firm.  As I make my drive up to the top of my hill the first thing I notice is my desk out in the open.  No walls, no cubicles, No other people to hinder me from my work.  All that and I get the great view.  The next thing I noticed is some guy hanging from a cross.  "Great," I say aloud, "This looks like nothing but trouble.  I've got a job to do here and how do they expect me to work with this guy here."  I get out of my car trying my best to ignore him.  It wasn't too hard because he looked like he was in too much pain to engage me in any type of conversation.  I started to set up my desk, but couldn't help but notice the shadow of his head right over where my papers needed to go.  I knew this guy would be trouble.  I unhooked my computer and tried moving my desk out of the way.  The man stirred and spoke, "You know I'm doing this for you."  I then tried to calm myself, first day on the job and I'm already behind.  "Don't think for a second I don't appreciate it," I said not trying to mask my aggravation, "But I really have a lot to do here and I'd really like to get back to work."  I could tell he was hurt and a tear rolled down his cheek.  Jesus is a great guy but he needs to know that I don't always have time for him.  Finally I had been getting some work done, and I think I may have caught up when it started again.  numbers, equations, and even most people I could deal with, but this was ridiculous.  This guy started making this terrible wheezing sound and actually started to cough up some blood.  I had to redo an entire income statement because Jesus' blood got all over my desk.  How is my boss going to react when I tell him that this guy was more important to me than my boss' salary. 

     "Do you mind!"  I say, absolutely frustrated at this point.  It was monday morning and I was just saw him at church on Sunday; if he wanted to talk he should have done it then.

      "I love you.  Come talk to me.  I have so much more for you than this."  His face was so swollen it was hard to tell if he was being sincere or if he was actually trying to irritate me.  I was fed up with it, I had reports to get out and a presentation tomorrow at noon, Jesus can wait.  He wouldn't though!  He just wouldn't stop.  He kept telling me about love and his Fathers kingdom and how I never spend real time seeking him.  I don't punch in for work, but I tally up every minute I spend in church.  After a while Jesus got the idea and went back to his present condition, and needless to say he didn't look to great.  If you ignore someone long enough they end up getting the picture that you just don't have the time right now.  Jesus is a very prying guy but he's not stupid.  Finally the day is over. I pack up, and get out of there giving Jesus a wave telling him I'll see him on Sunday.  I might have meant it but if something more pressing comes up He'll understand.  I'll talk to my boss about being relocated tomorrow.